Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
