just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
