Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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