I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
