I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
