i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
