He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
