i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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