i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
