so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
