I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
