apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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