I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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