Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
