Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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