I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize