I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
