3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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