we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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