Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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