I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
