I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
