he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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