All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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