I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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