i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
