Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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