there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
