Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
