I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
