rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
