I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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