I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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