The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
