I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
