She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
