i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
