apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
