you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
