I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
