What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Two words: nipple clamps
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