I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
