just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My dick has a subreddit
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
