I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
