dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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