maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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