I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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