So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize