and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
