I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
