ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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