Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Are we still banned from the library?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize