I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
