I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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