Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
