Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
