I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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