I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
