His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to sanitize my soul.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
